Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
