im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize