And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
