You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
