my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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