I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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