No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
