four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
