Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have demons in me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
