Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
