the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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