dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
