I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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