Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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