So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
