p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
