Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
