our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
then he tried to convert me to islam
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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