You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
