When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
