I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
All I want is dick and wine.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
