Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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