I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
