Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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