i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
