I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
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