I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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