I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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