he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You're like the curious george of whores
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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