I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
