You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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