My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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