Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
