Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
