I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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