I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
