opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
