i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
