i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
