I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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