I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
