What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
