CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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