What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
