I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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