im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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