I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is it because I queefed?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I supernannyed him into submission
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
