Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
