He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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