I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
