I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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