for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
