Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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