I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
