I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
