I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
