I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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