I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
