Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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